September 2021
I slap hands, bump fists, and start moving. To them, it’s just another roll. To me, it’s another battle against a body that doesn’t always cooperate.
Most of my training partners don’t know what it feels like to roll with MS. They don’t know that some days my legs feel like they’re full of sand. They don’t know that the heat of a hard roll can make my nervous system glitch, turning my limbs to rubber. They don’t know that sometimes, when I pause to catch my breath, I’m not just tired; I’m making sure my body will still do what I ask of it.
And I don’t tell them.
Not because I’m ashamed. Not because I want sympathy. But because I want to be just another grappler. I don’t want my training partners hesitating, giving me space I didn’t ask for, or holding back because they think I’m fragile. If they knew, they might start treating me differently. And that would be worse than any flare-up, any exhaustion, any bad day on the mats.
The Reality of Rolling With MS
Rolling with MS is like rolling with an opponent you can’t see. Some days, I feel strong, fluid, and sharp. Other days, I feel like I’m trapped underwater, struggling to move against invisible resistance. My body lags behind my mind, and techniques I know well suddenly feel out of reach.
Fatigue is a constant. It doesn’t wait until after class. It starts the moment I step onto the mat. But I push through because I know that movement is life. If I stop, I lose ground. If I give in, MS wins.
What My Training Partners Do (Without Realizing It)
They don’t know how much they help me just by treating me the same. When they try to smash me, I know they respect me. When they roll hard, I know they see me as a challenge, not a limitation.
They don’t know that the trust we build on the mats makes every struggle worth it. That every time they go for a submission, they’re not just testing my technique; they’re reminding me that I’m still in this fight.
Why I Keep Showing Up
I train because BJJ gives me something MS never could. Control. It forces me to adapt, to stay sharp, to problem-solve in ways that carry over into the rest of my life.
MS is unpredictable, but so is Jiu-Jitsu. And if I can survive a roll with a fresh, aggressive training partner, I can handle whatever else the day throws at me.
I don’t need my training partners to know all of this. I just need them to keep rolling with me.